When I did this last time....

I recently revisited my first Weight Watchers experience in 2004 to give myself a reminder that it CAN be done.  I went back in November of last year, and I've been struggling every single day since.  Ok, maybe not every day; some days I completely ignore the fact that I should watch what I eat.  For the most part, though, it's there, in the back of mind, nagging and bitching at me: "Don't eat that!  Ugh, you know better.  What's wrong with you?" 

So, back to 2004.  I started at the end of August and a week later, my dad passed away.  My emotions were all over the place, and I had school that I needed to concentrate on.  I felt like I couldn't control anything, but I could control food.  I was focused, super intense on tracking everything I ate and sticking to my points every day.  Obviously, the plan worked.  In 18 weeks, I lost 25 pounds.  During those 18 weeks, I maintained in Week 4, gained 0.2 in Week 6, gained 0.8 in Week 8, and gained 0.8 in Week 15.  Seriously - I lost weight in 14 of those 18 weeks to the tune of 25 pounds.  That's awesome.  By August of 2005, after one year on Weight Watchers, I had lost 44 pounds.  I looked and felt better than I had in about 10 years.

Flashforward to September 2011.  I have now been back on the plan since November 29 - 41.29 weeks (thanks WolframAlpha).  I have managed, barely, to keep off 2.2 pounds.  Are you fucking kidding me?  And there I am in my head, wondering every day what my problem is.  What is so different this time that I can't seem to focus for more than 2 consecutive days?

Epiphany.  It came in the past couple weeks.  If you've been reading, a recent post detailed my unhappiness with one of my jobs.  Once I made the decision to not teach there in the coming term, a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.  Part of the conflict was not wanting to disappoint my supervisor, a woman whom I respect and enjoy spending time with outside of work.  But I also knew that if I didn't take time for me, I was on a fast track to serious burnout.  I really need to work on me. 

I was reminded last week by my Weight Watchers leader that when I lost the weight in 2004, I was a single mom going to school and working part time.  Life was mellower then - my responsibilities were limited to caring for one kid, passing my classes, and getting work on time.  Truly, life was much easier then.  Now, I have two kids, a significant other who spends significant time working out of town, a full-time plus workload teaching writing between two schools, a volunteer position with a local group, and various on-the-side business ventures.  Yeah, just a little busier than before.  Duh, and I wonder why I have no time for me.  I'm always doing other things - I'm low on the list.

But no more.  When I did this last time, I made ME a priority.  It's time to put ME first again.